disappointment

Last night, I stayed home instead of going to House of Yes with my friends  There was no doubt that this was the smartest decision I could make.  I’ve been struggling with a cold the last few days that migrated from my allergy-weakened sinuses down to my throat and chest.  I need to rest and keep my defenses up.

This was me on Tuesday, until I realized…nope, sick.

Ever since the Great Walking Pneumonia episode of 2015, I have been extra careful when sick.  That episode cost me the summer of 2015 (much like my broken ankle ligament cost me the summer of 2018).  I had reduced capacity in my lungs due to the fluid in them and had asthma on top of that.  So now, when I don’t feel well, I stop moving.  I work from home.  I try to get extra sleep.  It may make me stir crazy, but at least I know I’m not making it worse than it has to be.

Unfortunately, this time, the cold hit right before Halloween, meaning that I had to make a difficult choice for a Friday morning.  I could keep my plans to go out with a half-dozen of my good friends, or I could hand off my Halloween party ticket and my costume to a friend who missed buying hers, stay home and rest.

I chose the latter and then was disappointed all day.  I didn’t regret the choice, I resented the choice.  Therefore, I allowed myself to wallow in a certain amount of less-than-adult resentful pouting.  I was supposed to go out with my friends!  With my best friends!  In a group costume! And we were going out in Brooklyn, which I love doing with my friends because they all live in Manhattan and I like showing off how cool my borough is!  And we were going to the House of Yes which I am probably too old for but is super inclusive of everyone and always has the best costumes.  (the David Bowie x House of Yes party at the Brooklyn Museum had amazing costumes).  I love my friends, I love costumes, I love going out in Brooklyn.  And I had to miss all of this because of a stupid cold.

Of course this was the right choice for me for my health.  But still, as I sat on the couch at 8pm, combing Ben for lice while watching Parks and Rec with him, I still resented it.  And I realize, there isn’t going to be some sort of epiphany to this tale that reduces that resentment.  As adult women, we’re told that our best place is as wives and mothers, so if this was a piece of popular culture, then this story would end with me combing my son for lice and sharing a beloved TV series with him and then getting in bed with my husband and realizing that my place was with my men all along.  If this was a show on Lifetime, it would end with me feeling like my cold was truly a blessing to make me stay home and realize that I belong here – not in a converted warehouse in Bushwick with my child-free friends.

Nope.  Not here.  I’m still disappointed that I couldn’t go out last night in a wig and horn and sparkles to a converted warehouse in Bushwick.  Perhaps that makes me less sanguine than I should be at forty.  Perhaps that makes me slightly immature even, to have that response to missing a night out with my friends.  And if so, that’s okay.  This is the response I have to missing Halloween and I accept that.

Oh, and the cold?  It’s drying up.  Much less coughing today, and the goopiness is receding from my chest.  Paul and I even made it to Pilates this morning so I’m back on to my top priority of fitness goals.  I got nine hours of rest.  Taking care of myself by staying home was the right thing to do.  It just wasn’t the easy thing to do.

 

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