a terrible confession

I have a terrible confession to make, y’all. I kind of like being on business trips. Of course, I have this empty feeling in my heart that gets worse the longer I’m away from my baby, and I get twinges of heartache when I hear a toddler voice in an airport, and I want to cry because I miss him so much…and I kind of miss my husband too.

Still. I kind of like being on business trips because it gives me the chance to be single natured. While I’m on the road, I’m not a wife and mother, I’m just my working self. Tonight, I went downstairs and spent half an hour on an elliptical trainer. I had a half hour when I wasn’t utterly exhausted to actually get some exercise. And if I wasn’t out in the Far Suburbs of Texas, somewhere between Dallas and Fort Worth, I’d even get up early and go for a walk to explore like I do when I’m in a city. I wake up early out of habit, but without a baby to care for, I have extra time to go for a pre-work walk, which has let me explore places from Lexington (Kentucky) to Central Park.

But as much as I like being on my own for a few days, I don’t like being away from Ben, because it breaks my heart to hear him say, “Mama?” into the phone like he does when I’m gone…and he will be angry with me for leaving him when I get back. And it’s hard to care for Ben without backup, so I don’t like leaving Paul all alone with him – it’s hard on Paul to have to single parent.  Given the choice, I probably wouldn’t travel as much as I do.  So my terrible confession is that I secretly like not having the choice.

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