annual reflection time

My birthday is actually very significant to me, because of how it ties in with my beliefs, with horoscope and the Tarot. I was born on August 19th, which makes me a Leo. The planet for Leo is the Sun, and the Sun is the 19th in the Major Arcana of the Tarot (at left). The significance of this isn’t applicable in reality, but it’s a reason that I try to take some time to reflect on my birthday, and to apply that to the next year.

Last year, something in me wasn’t right. Something was broken. Maybe it was the fact that I was focusing my energies on the wrong places (partying, undeserving boys, and the like), or maybe it was just a bad year. The psychic has said the latter.

This year, I have a bit more clarity. I feel like I’m starting the process of transforming myself, on some sort of quest that is supposed to change who I am into the person I was meant to be. This summer, as I’ve started throwing myself into nobler pursuits than partying, something has shifted inside of me. My studies of Los Angeles, of its history and sociology and how that applies to the rest of the world. My work for peace with Code Pink. My association with the childish joy of the game of kickball, or with Critical Mass and my bike. All of it brings me a lot more joy than the parties in the Hills I was at last summer.

This year, I learned Los Angeles, and made it the locus of my existence, and then changed everything else around me, based on how I’ve interpreted the city. I can see what’s wrong with L.A., and work for causes that change it. I can take the parts of the city I love the best, and use them to find out more about myself and my own beliefs and vision for the rest of America.

And that has actually led me to a whole new quest. I have an understanding of Los Angeles composed of a unique perspective and a lot of study and observation. How can I take the concepts that I have explored here, and teach the rest of the world how to make itself better? How can I take everything I’ve taught myself over the past year, and change the world?

And, more challenging – how do I accomplish everything I want to in just one lifetime? I have a good chance of living to be a hundred – seventy more years – but even that may not be enough to do everything I want to, to take the time to follow all the paths that I need to follow.

I was thinking of all this yesterday, and then my mother sent me my birthday horoscope:

If Your Birthday Is Today
42nd U.S. President Bill Clinton (1946) shares your birthday. You’re interested in so many things; it’s difficult to make a choice about what to choose for a career. You work hard. Although you can be an extremist, your life is orderly. Relationships are important to you. Expect increased solitude this year in order to learn something important.

So I have all this to think of, and it’s a lot. Late-twenties crisis, I guess, and then some. Most people just get a job and career crisis. My career is fantastic right now, so I’m just going directly for the existential crisis. And I don’t think I’ll get a resolution to it anytime soon, or a definitive path to follow for the next few years. I’m just going to have to wait for the shifts to stop, and for whatever sea changes I’ve started in myself to get closer to completion.