what is broken is now whole

I think it’s time to leave again, to go back into exile, to return to the lands outside my Archipelago. I have let my chance to build a grown-up life in Vancouver slip by me. Not only with Kody, but with everything – I have not moved far enough past the Gates, and I have let myself get into the habits of relying on my university connections to provide me with the laughter I need in my life.

I think that in order to continue rebuilding myself, I have to leave Vancouver, to go back to the States, to return to life as a grownup, as it was before, as it should have been had I not taken a wrong turn or two in 1999, in 2000.

And for this, I am afraid – I am afraid to leave, to go back out on my own, but I may have to. To return again with a more solid base, with my looks restored out from under the fat, with the confidence that I am liked, that I can make friends, that I am not ordinary and should never settle for less than I deserve. To be able to tell myself all this and more, and to hold the memories of two years in Vancouver – two wonderful, fun-filled years – will help me if I resume the paths I left to come home to heal.

I came back to UBC broken, to take up again that part of my life I left unfinished when I dropped out to move to the States. Now, I will go back to the States to pick up that part of my life I fell from when I fell apart in Dallas so long ago, broken by homesickness and loneliness and a longing for stability.

I don’t know when I’ll leave – but I know what the cards tell me – that seven months from now, by the time the days are at their longest, I will stand in an American city, one among millions, be it Seattle or San Francisco or Los Angeles, under a different sky from the one here, under a sky stained by sodium lights. I know that I have, irrevocably, ruined myself for ever being happy in Canada – that I will want, always, to trace my future in the States, to take what education my homeland has given me and sell it at the highest price possible in a market of American commerce.

Years from now, I will come out of exile again to settle in Vancouver or Victoria, in my world, in my Shire. But now, I feel like I need dragons to defeat, worlds to explore, challenges to face. I need to find a new quest and take it on. Twenty-five is far too young to settle down in my own version of a happy ending.

7 responses to “what is broken is now whole

  1. I don’t think you need to leave to be a grown up. What is going to another city going to do? Just because all your.. most of your friends here are university students?

    Rebuild it here if you’re just running away, if not, it’s your choice.

    But hey we can talk about this tomorrow:) If you want. I love you.

  2. hey, you have nothing to do with the university!

    maybe there is hope!
    i love you too 🙂 see you tomorrow around noon?

  3. noon = good!

    there’s gotta be hope:)

    see you tomorrow!!

  4. Always there is hope. I’m seeing that you are finally starting to believe this. And it makes me happy. I will consult the cards on my end tonight if you would like. Let me know.

  5. I would agree with your thought process.

    My only question is.. why’s it gotta be on the left coast? Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles? 😛 You can have ’em!


  6. Because the left coast is my home 🙂

  7. Pingback: canadian culture as emotional pajamas | Jillian's Blog

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