Monthly Archives: November 2003

me, Tinka and Lana and the SUS Xmas party Friday night

Andrew is TRYING to do the “hey, look, I gots ALL the bitches!” thing, but he’s wearing a corduroy coat, and between that and his sideburns and his retro style, he just looks more like a young dad. And I’m wearing a conservative button down that makes me look older. Which makes Lana look like our child. She has cheerfully said, if we Photoshopped out the boobs, she could look like our 8 year old kid, because we’re so freakishly tall.

Really, Andrew should have 50s style square glasses on, and an ID tag from the 50s style plant he works at and I should have a bottle of Miltowns in my purse, and we should be standing in this pose in front of an old Woody station wagon on Route 66. It just looks that early-60s retro family vacation. Ha.

I fell asleep last night about twenty minutes before I made that post. I slept from 11pm to 7:30am, fully clothed, contacts in. I should add that I also slept two hours yesterday afternoon, and eight hours the night before. Almost twenty hours of the last forty eight, I have spent asleep. I must have needed it, I suppose. So much for getting time to write.

I think I’ll start working on the bottle of Hogue merlot I brought back from the States today, listen to streaming synthgoth, and work on my short story series. A fiction writing and red wine bender will definitely make me feel like myself again.

Well, it looks like my priority/value system has defeated me once again; my relationship with Kody just self-destructed because I couldn’t put him ahead of my friends & the tail end of my life at UBC. Or ahead of the other things in my life. He said, I would rather have my college lifestyle than a grownup relationship. He was right – but it was because there is no pressure with my friends, just laughter.

I plan to stand outside the Gates from now on, I plan to distance myself from all that – I just didn’t start soon enough. I should have started a month ago, when I started dating him, I should have prioritized the relationship higher than I did. I didn’t. I’m not sure what that says, except that this was not the right time in my life for me to be doing this.

Perhaps, in a few weeks, I will be able to rearrange my life so there is space for him in it. Perhaps, if left alone to re-plan time and space around me, I could make myself more available, into someone who isn’t constantly exhausted. But as he put it, all he gets to see is “tired Jill” and it just wasn’t working.

So I’m going to go take a nap, but if anyone wants to call – I might be able to use the sympathy at some point. I’m a little shaken and heartbroken right now, and I think I need the sleep to heal.

Today I stand, for the first time, on the East side of the Gates.

And that will only make sense to a few people.

work -> lunch with Andrew -> Metrotown Centre -> SUS Xmas party (quasi-invited, provided I brought my ex) -> AUS MASS anniversay (invited) -> Marko’s birthday at Croatian Cultural Center (semi-crash)

at no point does it say “nap” in there anywhere. therefore, i am going to go take one. blaine with cracksmurf and monkeysongs tomorrow AM.

I went to sleep just after midnight last night. My day yesterday went from work to Brownies to spending Quality Time With the Boyfriend. Hey, it’s been a month now! That means he had to sit through the Tale of Jillian’s Messy 2002 Divorce! Every boyfriend I’ll have until, oh, about mid 2005, will have to sit through that tale of lies and bitterness somewhere between the four and six week mark, because Mike is incapable of going more than six weeks or so without almost sending a car to repossession.

So anyways, where was I? Oh, right, sleep after midnight. I was then up and moving at 5:20, because I wanted to get to work in time to phone South Africa. Oh, the exciting life I lead, at a job that allows me to make numerous references to overseas clients that make work sound more jet-setty and corporate than it is!

Did I mention I’m not even supposed to BE here today? I planned to come in for an hour or two in the AM, but somehow, 8-10 got translated at 6:30am to noon. It isn’t as if I don’t have work to do – I’m just grumpy because I’m tired.

And writing very, very unfocused rambly entries, I should add. Crackle, sploink, donut. Sleep dep makes the best of us loopy.