Monthly Archives: November 2003

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family vacation


me, Tinka and Lana and the SUS Xmas party Friday night

Andrew is TRYING to do the “hey, look, I gots ALL the bitches!” thing, but he’s wearing a corduroy coat, and between that and his sideburns and his retro style, he just looks more like a young dad. And I’m wearing a conservative button down that makes me look older. Which makes Lana look like our child. She has cheerfully said, if we Photoshopped out the boobs, she could look like our 8 year old kid, because we’re so freakishly tall.

Really, Andrew should have 50s style square glasses on, and an ID tag from the 50s style plant he works at and I should have a bottle of Miltowns in my purse, and we should be standing in this pose in front of an old Woody station wagon on Route 66. It just looks that early-60s retro family vacation. Ha.

so much for writing

I fell asleep last night about twenty minutes before I made that post. I slept from 11pm to 7:30am, fully clothed, contacts in. I should add that I also slept two hours yesterday afternoon, and eight hours the night before. Almost twenty hours of the last forty eight, I have spent asleep. I must have needed it, I suppose. So much for getting time to write.

saturday night…

I think I’ll start working on the bottle of Hogue merlot I brought back from the States today, listen to streaming synthgoth, and work on my short story series. A fiction writing and red wine bender will definitely make me feel like myself again.

what is broken is now whole

I think it’s time to leave again, to go back into exile, to return to the lands outside my Archipelago. I have let my chance to build a grown-up life in Vancouver slip by me. Not only with Kody, but with everything – I have not moved far enough past the Gates, and I have let myself get into the habits of relying on my university connections to provide me with the laughter I need in my life.

I think that in order to continue rebuilding myself, I have to leave Vancouver, to go back to the States, to return to life as a grownup, as it was before, as it should have been had I not taken a wrong turn or two in 1999, in 2000.

And for this, I am afraid – I am afraid to leave, to go back out on my own, but I may have to. To return again with a more solid base, with my looks restored out from under the fat, with the confidence that I am liked, that I can make friends, that I am not ordinary and should never settle for less than I deserve. To be able to tell myself all this and more, and to hold the memories of two years in Vancouver – two wonderful, fun-filled years – will help me if I resume the paths I left to come home to heal.

I came back to UBC broken, to take up again that part of my life I left unfinished when I dropped out to move to the States. Now, I will go back to the States to pick up that part of my life I fell from when I fell apart in Dallas so long ago, broken by homesickness and loneliness and a longing for stability.

I don’t know when I’ll leave – but I know what the cards tell me – that seven months from now, by the time the days are at their longest, I will stand in an American city, one among millions, be it Seattle or San Francisco or Los Angeles, under a different sky from the one here, under a sky stained by sodium lights. I know that I have, irrevocably, ruined myself for ever being happy in Canada – that I will want, always, to trace my future in the States, to take what education my homeland has given me and sell it at the highest price possible in a market of American commerce.

Years from now, I will come out of exile again to settle in Vancouver or Victoria, in my world, in my Shire. But now, I feel like I need dragons to defeat, worlds to explore, challenges to face. I need to find a new quest and take it on. Twenty-five is far too young to settle down in my own version of a happy ending.

whoops

Well, it looks like my priority/value system has defeated me once again; my relationship with Kody just self-destructed because I couldn’t put him ahead of my friends & the tail end of my life at UBC. Or ahead of the other things in my life. He said, I would rather have my college lifestyle than a grownup relationship. He was right – but it was because there is no pressure with my friends, just laughter.

I plan to stand outside the Gates from now on, I plan to distance myself from all that – I just didn’t start soon enough. I should have started a month ago, when I started dating him, I should have prioritized the relationship higher than I did. I didn’t. I’m not sure what that says, except that this was not the right time in my life for me to be doing this.

Perhaps, in a few weeks, I will be able to rearrange my life so there is space for him in it. Perhaps, if left alone to re-plan time and space around me, I could make myself more available, into someone who isn’t constantly exhausted. But as he put it, all he gets to see is “tired Jill” and it just wasn’t working.

So I’m going to go take a nap, but if anyone wants to call – I might be able to use the sympathy at some point. I’m a little shaken and heartbroken right now, and I think I need the sleep to heal.

another girl’s paradise

Today I stand, for the first time, on the East side of the Gates.

And that will only make sense to a few people.